The Hidden Emotional Cost of Masking ADHD and Autism

What Does ‘Masking’ Mean for ADHD and Autism?

If you live with ADHD or autism, you might have learned, often without realising it, to hide parts of yourself in order to fit in. Over and over again, in therapy, I meet neurodivergent clients who are exhausted from a lifetime of putting on a mask.

Masking means adapting your natural behaviours to meet social expectations: suppressing stimming, forcing eye contact, rehearsing speech, or pushing through sensory overload so you appear “normal”.

Masking can help people with ADHD or autism navigate work, relationships, and daily life. But it also carries a hidden emotional cost, one that many people don’t recognise until they reach burnout.

Masking ADHD and Autism: Why It Looks Like Strength

Many of my clients describe themselves as “high-functioning.” They hold jobs, maintain friendships, raise families. From the outside, they appear to be coping well. Inside, however, they often feel exhausted, anxious, and disconnected from who they really are.

Masking can look like:

• Smiling when you’re overwhelmed by noise or light

• Suppressing movement or fidgeting to appear calm

• Forcing eye contact during conversations

• Rehearsing responses before meetings or phone calls

• Hiding sensory sensitivities to avoid seeming “difficult”

Each small act of masking uses up emotional energy. Over time, this constant self-monitoring can lead to anxiety, burnout, and emotional exhaustion

The Emotional Toll: Living at a Distance from Yourself

One of the deepest costs of masking ADHD or autism is the loss of authentic connection, both with others and with yourself.When you’re praised for being “easy-going” or “so adaptable”, it can feel hollow. You may wonder, Would people still like me if I stopped performing?

This can create a painful loneliness. Many neurodivergent adults describe it as living behind a glass wall, watching social life happen, but never fully belonging. There’s often grief for the time spent pretending, for the friendships that never saw your full self, and for the years of self-doubt that followed every misunderstanding.

Why People Mask (and Why It Isn’t Your Fault)

Masking isn’t deceitful or weak; it’s a survival strategy. It’s a deeply intelligent response to growing up in environments where difference wasn’t understood or accepted.

From a young age, many people with ADHD or autism learn that being “too loud”, “too emotional”, or “too distracted” brings negative reactions. Women, girls, and gender-diverse people are especially likely to mask ADHD or autism, often leading to delayed diagnosis or misdiagnosis. Understanding this can replace self-blame with compassion. You’ve done what you needed to survive.

The Process of Unmasking in Therapy

In counselling, unmasking isn’t about stripping away everything you’ve built to cope. It’s about rediscovering who you are beneath the layers of adaptation and learning to exist safely as that person.

Unmasking might mean:

• Allowing yourself to stim, fidget, or take breaks during conversations

• Recognising that needing quiet, structure, or rest doesn’t make you “lazy”

• Naming sensory triggers without shame

• Learning to communicate needs directly rather than apologetically

Therapy can help you reconnect with your authentic self, the one who’s always been there beneath the mask.

Self-Compassion After Years of Masking

Many clients feel guilty or sad when they start unmasking. It can stir grief for the person they might have been if they hadn’t needed to hide. That grief deserves time and validation.

You’ve spent years doing your best in a world that wasn’t built with your brain in mind. That’s resilience, not failure. Learning to rest, set boundaries, and express your needs isn’t indulgent, it’s recovery.

You Deserve to Be Seen, Not Just Tolerated

Masking may have helped you survive, but it shouldn’t cost you your sense of self.Through therapy for ADHD and autism, you can explore how to live with more authenticity, calm, and confidence.

If you recognise yourself in this, you’re not alone. Many adults are only now discovering how much energy they’ve spent trying to appear “normal.” You deserve to exist without performance, to be accepted as you are.