Is It Normal to Have Suicidal Thoughts? The Conversation We Rarely Have

Content warning: This article discusses suicide and suicidal thoughts.

There is a question I think more people ask themselves than we realise: “Is it normal to have thoughts about dying?” Perhaps you've thought it yourself. Maybe you've had a moment where you've thought, “I don't want to be here anymore.” Or “I wish I could just disappear.” Perhaps you've imagined what it would be like if you weren't here, without actually wanting to die. And maybe you've never told anyone. Not your partner. Not your family. Not your friends. Not even your therapist. Because the moment we say the words “I'm having suicidal thoughts”, they can feel frighteningly real.

We don't always know what happens next. Will people panic? Will they think we're attention-seeking? Will someone call the emergency services? Will they look at us differently? Will they think we're dangerous? Will we lose control? So instead, we often keep these thoughts to ourselves. And this is one of the reasons I think we need to talk about suicidal thoughts more openly.

So, is it normal to have suicidal thoughts?

The answer is more complicated than simply saying yes or no. Having a suicidal thought does not automatically mean that you want to die, that you will attempt suicide, or that you are going to act on the thought. Sometimes thoughts about death can appear when someone is overwhelmed, exhausted, depressed, anxious, traumatised, grieving, experiencing relationship difficulties, struggling with chronic stress, or simply feeling that life has become too much.

Sometimes the thought isn't really:

• “I want to die.”

It might be:

• “I just don't want to feel like this anymore.”

Or:

• “I can't keep doing this.”

• “I need everything to stop.”

• “I wish I could disappear for a while.”

There can be an important difference between wanting your life to end and desperately wanting your pain to end. That doesn't mean suicidal thoughts should ever be dismissed. Quite the opposite. They deserve to be taken seriously, listened to and explored without judgement. But having a suicidal thought doesn't mean that there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

It can be a sign that something inside you is hurting and needs attention.

Why don't we talk about suicidal thoughts?

Suicide is still surrounded by fear, shame and misunderstanding. Many people worry that talking about suicide will somehow make things worse. But asking someone about suicidal thoughts does not put the idea into their head. In fact, evidence suggests that asking someone directly can give them permission to talk about what they are experiencing and can help them feel less alone. And perhaps this is something we need to remember: Talking about suicide doesn't create suicidal thoughts. Silence can simply make someone feel more alone with them.

We are often much more comfortable saying:

• “I've had a really difficult week.”

• “I'm struggling with anxiety.”

• “I feel depressed.”

• “I'm exhausted.”

But saying:

“Sometimes I think about not being alive” can feel like crossing an invisible line. And yet, suicidal thoughts are something that counsellors and other mental health professionals hear about. In the therapy room, people often eventually find the courage to say the thing they've been too frightened to say anywhere else. And sometimes there is enormous relief in finally saying it out loud.

What can suicidal thoughts actually look like?

Suicidal thoughts don't always look the way people imagine. They can range from fleeting thoughts that come and go, to persistent thoughts about death, to feeling that there is no point in carrying on. Someone experiencing suicidal thoughts might:

• Think about dying or not waking up

• Feel that everyone would be better off without them

• Wish they could disappear

• Feel trapped or completely overwhelmed

• Think that life is never going to get better

• Feel exhausted by the effort of continuing

• Experience intrusive thoughts about death

• Feel numb rather than particularly sad

• Think about suicide without necessarily wanting to act on those thoughts

What should I do if I have suicidal thoughts?

The most important thing is not to face them completely alone. You don't necessarily need to know exactly what you need before you reach out. You can simply say: “I'm having some thoughts that are frightening me and I need someone to sit with me.” Or: “I'm not feeling safe with my thoughts today.” Or even: “I'm struggling, but I don't really know how to explain it.” You don't need the perfect words.

1. Tell someone you trust

This might be your partner, a friend, family member, GP, counsellor or another professional. If talking feels impossible, send a message. You don't have to explain everything. Sometimes simply saying “I'm having a really difficult time and I don't want to be alone right now” is enough to start the conversation.

2. Try not to make permanent decisions in temporary moments.

Suicidal thoughts can feel incredibly convincing when you are in the middle of them.

They can tell you: “Nothing will change.” But feelings can change, even when they don't feel as though they will. Samaritans notes that actively suicidal feelings can sometimes be temporary, even when someone has been struggling for a long time.

The aim isn't necessarily to solve your whole life in that moment. Sometimes the goal is simply:

Get through the next ten minutes.

Then the next ten.

Then the next hour.

3.Create a Safety Plan

A safety plan is a simple plan for what you will do when suicidal thoughts become overwhelming.

It might include:

• The people you can contact

• Places where you feel safer

• Things that help you feel grounded

• Reasons you have to keep going

• Professional support you can contact

• Crisis numbers

• What you can do to make your environment safer

You can create this plan when you are relatively well, so you don't have to work everything out in the middle of a crisis.

4. Reduce the Pressure on yourself

When you're overwhelmed, basic things can become surprisingly difficult. Eat something. Have some water. Get outside if you can. Sit with someone. Watch something familiar. Take a shower. Wrap yourself in a blanket. Listen to music. Focus on what is immediately around you. These things aren't going to magically solve the reasons you're struggling. But they can help you get through the moment while the intensity passes.

5. Get Professional Support

If suicidal thoughts are becoming frequent, intrusive or difficult to manage, please don't wait until you reach crisis point before seeking help. Speak to your GP or a mental health professional. Counselling can provide a space where you can talk about thoughts and feelings that might feel impossible to say anywhere else. And importantly, you don't have to wait until you are “bad enough” to ask for help.

What if I'm worried about someone else?

You don't need to be a mental health professional to ask someone if they're okay.

You can say: “I've noticed you've not seemed yourself lately. How are you really doing?” And if you're concerned, you can ask directly: “Are you having thoughts about suicide?” It might feel uncomfortable. But you don't need to have all the answers.

• You can listen.

• You can stay with them.

• You can help them find professional support.

• And you can take what they're telling you seriously.

Asking someone about suicide doesn't mean you have to fix them. Sometimes the most important thing you can offer is the knowledge that they don't have to carry those thoughts completely alone.

You don't have to be ashamed of having these thoughts

This might be the most important thing I want you to take from this article. Having suicidal thoughts does not make you weak. It doesn't make you selfish. It doesn't make you attention-seeking. It doesn't make you a bad parent, partner, friend or person. And it doesn't mean you have failed.

If you're experiencing suicidal thoughts right now

If you feel you might act on suicidal thoughts, please don't deal with this alone.

If you are in immediate danger or have seriously harmed yourself, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. You can also contact NHS 111 for urgent mental health help.

You can also call Samaritans on 116 123, free, day or night, 365 days a year. You don't have to be certain that you're suicidal to call them. You can simply call because you're struggling and need someone to listen. And if you're reading this because these thoughts are your reality right now, please take one small step towards another person today.

• Send the message.

• Make the phone call.

• Sit beside someone.

• Tell your GP.

• Tell your counsellor.

  You don't have to carry it by yourself.

Frequently Asked Questions About Suicidal Thoughts

Is it normal to have suicidal thoughts?Having suicidal thoughts can happen when someone is experiencing significant emotional pain, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief or overwhelm. Having a thought about suicide does not automatically mean that someone wants to die or will act on the thought. However, suicidal thoughts should always be taken seriously and are a reason to seek support.

Does having suicidal thoughts mean I want to die?Not necessarily. Sometimes suicidal thoughts reflect a desire for emotional pain, exhaustion or difficult circumstances to stop rather than a genuine wish to die. Understanding what the thoughts mean for you can be an important part of getting support.

Why do I have thoughts about dying when I don't actually want to die?When we feel overwhelmed, our minds can look for ways to escape from unbearable emotional pain. Thoughts such as “I wish I could disappear” or “I don't want to wake up” can sometimes be expressions of wanting things to feel different rather than wanting life to end.

What should I do when I have suicidal thoughts?Tell someone you trust and try not to remain alone with the thoughts. You can contact a friend, family member, GP, counsellor or mental health professional. If you feel you may act on the thoughts or cannot keep yourself safe, seek urgent help through 999/A&E or NHS 111.

Can counselling help with suicidal thoughts?Counselling can provide a safe, confidential and non-judgemental space to explore suicidal thoughts and the feelings or circumstances behind them. A counsellor can help you understand what is happening and identify ways of coping and accessing appropriate support. Counselling is not an emergency service, so immediate risks require urgent support.

How do I tell someone I'm having suicidal thoughts?You don't need to find the perfect words. You could simply say, “I'm struggling at the moment and I'm having thoughts about not wanting to be here.” You can also write it down or send a message if speaking feels too difficult.

How can I help someone who is having suicidal thoughts?Listen without judgement, take what they say seriously and encourage them to access professional support. You can ask directly whether they are thinking about suicide. You don't have to fix the situation yourself; sometimes being willing to listen and helping someone connect with appropriate support can make a significant difference.